Loss...

That big, ugly word people don't talk about...MISCARRIAGE. Sorry, I just have to get it out there. Miscarriage, miscarriage, miscarriage, miscarriage...ok, it's starting to get easier. Maybe one more time? MiScArRiAgE.

3 months went by doing everything "right" for the baby. We started talking about names, telling close family and friends, and the excitement was mounting. We got to peak inside and see it's heart beat...the life within a life...then it was all gone. GONE. The baby died or did I loose it? My body still thought I was pregnant. A D&C Christmas Eve. The Holidays. My womb, empty. I am alone again...

That jarring realization that I can have a glass of wine with dinner...because I am alone...because my womb is empty - doesn't have a name. The way my breasts went back to normal, how my bloated abdomen has flattened out...all confirming this hallow, empty feeling. There will be no baby coming in July.  

To walk through each day knowing a life was growing inside me, was such a wonderful feeling. From the moment I woke up, to the moment my eyes closed for the night - I was aware, I loved, I dreamed.

I do know it's going to be ok. I do know it's all for the best. I know, I know, GOD DAMN IT I KNOW! So then why does my heart still ache so bad? Why won't my dreams let it rest? It's almost been a month, it feels like it's been 3.

I love you, my little pea. I miss you, my little pea. I'll be waiting for you to come back to me, my little pea.